Explaining my PhD project to an alien

Max Tomlinson, a go-getting PhD student, speaks candidly with Max Tomlinson, an embittered alien from the planet Omicron who wants to know about these doughy humanoids that “wander around with haircuts, cluttering London’s pavements like farting skittles.”

Max: Tell me about this ‘chef’ you worship, the one they call Jamie Oliver.

Max: Jamie Oliver is known for rudely interrupting the carefree innocence of the mid-00s by repeatedly denouncing the Turkey Twizzler on national television.

Max: Did this change anything?

Max: We began to think “Maybe children shouldn’t be scoffing rubbish every day. Maybe pieces of ‘meat’ moulded into the shape of dinosaurs, while fun and tasty, are fast-tracking an epidemic of obesity for future generations.”

Max: Indeed, ripples of this were felt across space on my own planet. Why was this so important for humankind?

Max: Obesity effects more than a ¼ of adults in the UK, and if current trends continue this will reach half by 2030.

Max: The ones you call ‘obese’ typically die 6-7 years earlier on average, why is this?

Max: Obesity and ageing are ‘two sides of the same coin’ as excessive eating accelerates accumulation of damage in the body.

Max: Does this have any effect on those ‘hearts’ earthling Taylor Swift insists on singing about?

Max: I can’t speak for T-Swizzle, but obesity is a major risk factor for heart disease as it worsens the build-up of fatty deposits in the blood vessels. It also causes the cells that store fat to swell and go daft.

Max: I don’t speak Northern, sir, what do you mean?

Max: Bloated fat cells release molecules into the blood that trigger inflammation, attracting immune cells that get stuck in fatty plaques and fudge-up the whole bloody situation.

Max: Well then, puny human, what is your motivation here?

Max: In my research, I’m attempting to discover the early molecular markers of these processes to help prevent heart disease by identifying individuals at high risk.

Max: Is this not just a pathetic attempt to appease Jamie Oliver?

Max: Maybe, but in the end, isn’t that what science is all about?